I find writing therapeutic, however, so I'm going to stay on this topic for at least one more post. Read it or don't; I just want to get this all out.
I'm a person with a disproportionate sense of justice. Growing up, I think my most-repeated phrase was, "But it's not fair!" To which my wise mother always replied, "Sweetie, life isn't always fair." And then later, when I was too old to whine about fairness, "Your life will be a lot easier if you can just accept that life isn't always fair." But that in itself didn't seem fair to me. So it never really sunk in.
I feel that this experience has opened my eyes to that a little better. Sometimes, shitty things just happen. To good people, to bad people. That is life. And you can't always get retribution for the wrongs that have been done to you. The fact is, this guy will
That's the most frustrating part for me. Knowing he's still out there. Knowing where he lives, and how close it is to my neighborhood. I find myself obsessively checking license plate numbers any time I'm in traffic. I can't leave my house without a can of mace in hand, finger on the trigger. We're sleeping with a baseball bat and a giant, heavy Maglite next to each side of the bed. And the worst part is, he knows what I look like, but I have no idea what he looks like. I'm jumping anytime a stranger that matches the very vague description is anywhere near me. (Black male, possibly in his 30s, average height/weight...so yeah, that narrows it down.) I'm not really proud of that, because it makes me look...well, not good. But because I didn't get a good look at his face (smart enough to pull his hat down and turn away--he's a pro), I don't have much to go on. He could be anybody.
So, I'm trying to accept it. To understand that there is nothing I can do to change what's happened, to let go of it. To focus on the positive things. And there are positive things:
- I still have my phone. THANK GOD I STILL HAVE MY PHONE.
- My insurance deductible doesn't have to be paid out-of-pocket; they'll just take $500 out of my settlement check. So I don't have to dip into my savings account to cover that.
- The incredibly awesome bank teller who helped me close and re-open all my accounts told me that it "didn't seem fair" (haha) to make me pay to replace the checks that were stolen...so the bank paid for my new checks.
- I managed to cancel all my cards before any transactions could be made, so that's one less headache.
- The Adobe Creative Suite license I had installed on my computer has another install left on it (had no idea I could use it on two machines!) so I'll have my Photoshop et al. back just as soon as an external optical drive for my Mac Mini comes in.
- When I went to Target to replace my wallet and other miscellaneous purse items, I found the exact same bag that I'd lost! It's this one and it's seriously the best purse I've ever had. I thought I'd never get an exact replacement, because I bought it ages ago. But nope, still in stock online!
- I have just the best, most supportive and incredible boyfriend in the world. Matt has been my rock these past few days, through the tears and the punching (inanimate objects, not him) and the panic attacks and the (probably unreasonable) level of fear and the despair...he has been my constant source of strength and serenity. And you all. My friends, both cyber and real-world. It makes more difference than you could ever imagine to have a solid support system.
- And of course, I'm safe and physically unharmed. It's so incredibly easy to take that for granted. But I keep reminding myself that I could have come away from this experience injured. It could have killed me. But it didn't, and I need to remember to be thankful for that.
So that's where I am. Trying to accept, trying to let go, trying to focus on the positive things. Trying to stop the scene from replaying in my head at inconvenient moments (or all the time), but I don't really think that's going to go away anytime soon. If you read this all the way to the end, thanks for being a trooper. I'm off for a much-needed weekend of not thinking about it. Hopefully I can return to some sense of normalcy soon.
Oh and hey, this whole experience makes for great Fiscal Friday fodder, yes? How to get home/renter's insurance, how to catalog your stuff before something bad happens, and how to file an insurance claim. Woo-hoo, adulthood.