Monday, October 28, 2013

Half-hearted apology?

I was going to write a post this morning, but when my alarm went off I remembered I didn't have any outfit photos left on my computer and decided to sleep in instead. Whittling down the dozens of shots for each outfit after I load them from my camera takes time, and so does editing them, and then thinking of something to say, and quite frankly I didn't think I'd have the energy to do all that. I also thought about writing a DIY post on my lunch break, but I didn't have all the pictures I needed and I just couldn't really sum up the energy to even start it.

Because today, I am sad.

(That link, should you choose to follow it, is a wonderfully written vignette by a colleague from OU. It captures the concept of depression in a haunting, beautiful way that resonates deep down in my soul. She's like Allie Brosh, but with less pictures and more dry wit. [Amy, if you ever stumble across this, please know that that is about the highest compliment I can think of.])

Now I've lost my train of thought. I don't know that I ever really had one, except to say that I'm kind of having a bad day and it's for a really stupid reason (isn't it always?) and I'm sorry that you all have to read this blather instead of something interesting.

I really, really don't want to go to the gym after work today. I want to self-indulge in mopey-ness by sitting on the couch and eating disgusting amounts of disgusting food for a disgustingly long period of time, because it's easier and in a weird, twisted way, it's a little gratifying. But I (probably) won't do all that. Because it's bad for me and if I want to do this on my own, without medication (because I've been there and it freakin sucks), I can't give in to those urges. I have to do the hard thing. I have to make myself feel better.

I have half a mind to delete this because it's way personal and possibly TMI and honestly, who wants to hear me whine about being depressed today? But then I think about brave women like Amy and Allie and Jenny Lawson, who post about their struggles unapologetically, who are more concerned with removing stigma and raising awareness than their own images, and I move my mouse over the "Publish" button.


  1. I'm glad you posted this. Writing can be cathartic and expressing ourselves in public, while scary, can be empowering.

    We all have bad days and I'm no stranger to sluggishness. When one lacks enthusiasm, you do whatever you can just to survive. Later, energy returns, enthusiasm returns, and life looks sunny again. Hang in there, buddy. There are many people out here pulling for you.

  2. hugs.
    sending many, many hugs.
    girl, the fog sucks. being sad sucks.
    I'm sending you some extra strength and shoes to put on your feet so you can dig your heels in and do what you want to do.

  3. As always, wonderfully written and a very brave post as well. Thank you for the excellent read and I hope you feel better soon.


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