An explanation.

I feel like one is owed to you, readers, for my absenteeism and generally bad attitude last week. It’s a long story, and frankly, I don’t blame any of you for skipping to the last couple of paragraphs and getting on to your life. But for anyone who’s wondering just what has me so freaked out lately, well, here it is.

First, you should know that I’m prone to anxiety/depression issues. I won’t go into the nitty gritty (because really, who wants to read about 10 years of mild-to-moderate mental issues?), but suffice to say that this history of being prone to depression and panic attacks is the root of my problems of late.

Fast-forward to this January. I interviewed for a new job and, within the same week, was verbally offered the position. It was such fantastic news; I was completely beside myself. I was told that it could be anywhere from four to six weeks before the hiring process was complete. I told my current boss right away, because I hated the thought of abandoning her without enough notice or time to find a replacement, particularly because this happens to be our busiest time of year and my leaving would make her job a lot harder.

Fast-forward again, to present day. To summarize a complicated series of events, I’m still waiting for the hiring process at the new job to be finalized. The higher-ups at my current job, thinking that time was limited, found my replacement. She starts soon. Obviously, there’s no need for two people in my position, so I won’t be staying at my current job after the new hire starts.

If you’ve been reading VM for some time, you’ll know that I’m on a pretty strict Financial Diet, which requires meticulous financial planning and smart spending. Faced with the prospect of possibly going a week or two or more without a job (until the hiring process at the new place is complete), I’ve been understandably stressed out. And when I get stressed, I have panic attacks. And when I need to suppress those (say, all day every day when I’m at work), I get exhausted. And depressed. Which causes more anxiety and becomes a loop of crazy. Hence, the past week.

So yesterday, I sat down and gave myself a stern talking-to. I told myself that I could sit here and wallow in self-pity and regret the fact that I mentioned leaving far earlier than I ever should have. I could let my old nemesis consume me. I could stay at home and cry and feel bad for myself. I could make multiple trips to the bathroom each day just to take deep breaths and wipe away tears.

Or.
I could do something about it. I could take measures to make sure my bills get paid (thanks, Kate, for getting me in touch with the temp agency!) during the interim period. I could realize that this is the way things are, and feeling sad or anxious won’t do a thing to change the situation. I could accept the consequences of my actions, learn from them, and move on.

The truth is, sinking into depression is easy. Letting go and allowing myself to be consumed by negativity is as simple as sitting on the couch and watching TV until my brain is mush and I go to bed before realizing that I forgot to eat dinner. But being positive? That takes a hell of a lot of work. But as they say, nothing worth having comes easily. I deserve happiness, even if I have to really work to get it.

And starting now, that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to trust that things will work out. I’m going to accept that just because one thing isn’t going the way I thought it would, doesn’t mean that everything is turning to crap. I'm going to remember that I’m incredibly lucky. I have an amazing and supportive boyfriend. Helpful and caring friends. Parents who always have an ear for listening and kind words of encouragement. Siblings who can always, always make me smile. And a personal determination to rise above this muck and make the most of every situation I’m handed.

Starting now, I’m going to be positive. I’m going to be happy. I’m going to be fine.